The Puritan

It feels, and has felt for a very long time now that Life is isolating me away from not only what I want, but also that which I need.  It is as though I hang suspended just a little outside of time, or that I fell through the looking glass and cannot get back.

I can't work out when it definitively happened, or what in essence caused it to happen, but life moves past my eyes as though I am a ghost.  It feels like a prison sentence.

I'm sure it was a combination of a handful of deeply impacting events that caused it, including first my near death in Israel back in 1995, my induction into trancework and then the first three years as a transpersonal medium, clearing peoples' homes of unwanted ghosts, which continued for another thirteen years but those first three years being the most dramatic.  Also my use of hallucinogens at around that time, '96-'99, and then my experiments with opium toward the end of '99.  Kundalini yoga for sixteen years, punctuated in 2003 by the death of my Father, from a long drawn out cancer that took five years to kill him, with many 'near misses' in the final two years...never knowing 'is it today?'

I have confronted much about myself during this time, all the big taboos of death, dying, fear, madness, and of course relationships and sex.  Much has been revealed to me about the true state of being in the world around me, and there was a strange time, perhaps six or seven years ago where the greatest contributor to my plight started to loom in my consciousness.

To summarise it in a sentence, black became white and white became black.

It was as though I really had passed through a mirror, where the way I had assumed life was had been revealed as a play we all enact every day with mask and script.  But worse than this, that the actual reality of life was perfectly opposite; that what is taken as good is a manifestation of evil, and vice versa.

This took a while, a long while, to digest and integrate and, before I go on, must be understood on a much more subtle level than perhaps your mind is at present trying to grapple with, eager to cast me away as simply crazy.

What I am trying to describe has its roots in the mask and script I was just alluding to, and can be loosely understood as a person who's words sound good, pure and holy, but who's spirit only uses these words for selfish ends.

Now this will not sound new to anyone I am sure.  Hypocrisy is an old word.

But what if I was to suggest to you that I am not just referring to the occasional bad apple, but most of the tree?  What if I was suggest to you that it is not the odd priest that we should be on our guard against, but God himself?  And I don't even mean what you perhaps think I mean here.  This isn't just another pseudo intellectual attack on the world's religions, but is an attempt to point out the impostor.......within you.

What if your very notion of 'Good' is not what it seems or appears to be?  What if your notion of Good, your Good......is actually Evil?  That an intent always to aim for Good and away from Evil, will in actual fact bring about the very opposite situations than those you were intending?