When I look inside my mind at the moment, all is vague and baffling. I've been back from Krakow now about three or four weeks and have felt completely lost the whole time. I had been living there since October last year, and trying my damnedest to make it work. I taught english, I dj'ed, I even managed to secure a lecturing job at one of the universities this coming october. But my money just evaporated, and now I find myself in York of all places, living with my sister and wondering what the hell to do.
For the first few weeks, on returning, I think I was in denial; daydreaming possibilities about various creative projects in York. Then I hit depression and frustration, and an overwhelming sense of failure, feeling that everything I turn my hand to ends in disaster. I've sunk lower than this in my life, but it certainly touches insanity to feel you are not where you should be, and are being forced to plan for a change of life you don't really want.
I love living in Krakow. I've had negative experiences there, but on the whole, looking back, I was happy there. I really feel that life has well and truly pulled the rug from under me.
I sold everything to go live there. I had been living in London before that, and had been for many years, and life had just become impossible there, so I knew it was the right decision. I just don't understand why life, or more importantly, luck wasn't wholly on my side, enabling me to create an ongoing existence there.
I am so confused. At times it feels as though some hidden power is trying to thwart my freedom, or the pursuit of it.
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